Glossary for Personal Computer Users

An oldie but goodie....this was posted on the net back in Dec. 1989

/2:
A mathematical symbol meaning "only half of the real value", as in 1/2 or PS/2.
386: No, 486: Oops, 586:
The only chip to consider if you're buying a DOS machine. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
640K:
The average annual salary of a Wall Street PC analyst.
Algorithm:
A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
Availability:
Date when a dozen copies of the beta version of a new software package will be hurriedly shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and investment community.
Backup:
The chore you were really, honestly going to do the very next thing before you switched drive letters and replaced your latest files with older, out-of-date versions at 3AM.
Buffer:
The only other job - involving a chamois at a car wash - for which most computer salespeople are qualified.
Bundled software:
Free applications like home dentistry packages and Eseranto spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're getting real value for your money.
CD-ROM:
A $100 mechanism in a $1200 cabinet that accesses vast quantities of valuable information too slowly to be useful.
Copy protection:
A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk drives (from 160K to 360K to 1.2M to 720K to 1.4M etc).
CP/M:
An antiquated operating system from the early days of computing, based on inscrutable commands like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward conventions such as 11-character limits on filenames -- in contrast to today's state-of-the-art versions of DOS.
Database, flat-file:
A program selling for under $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses etc.
Database, relational:
A program selling for over $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses etc.
Debugging:
The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software as a finished product, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.
Downward compatibility:
You really didn't have to spend the money for the upgraded version, since all you use is the old set of features.
End user:
One born every minute.
Entry level:
Only slightly above most users' heads.
Expanded memory:
RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.
Expansion slot:
The computer didn't come with everything you needed.
Extended memory:
RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.
FAX:
Originally, a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal Express pickup. Now, an expensive way to order lunch from the local pizzaria around the corner.
Firmware:
Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.
Icon:
One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have said, "He who steals my trash can better have a large purse".
Installation routine:
A process employed by many applications to overwrite and thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files.
Interface, character-based:
A way of presenting information to the user that's every bit as good as a graphical user interface except in the areas of readability, ease of use, intuitiveness and productivity.
Interface, graphical user (GUI):
An increasingly popular way of presenting information to the user, originally developed by Xerox PARC and now being adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full Employment Act.
Laptop:
A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy monochrome screen, all with bad battery life.
Live links:
A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of separate files at the same time.
Low-bandwidth:
The process of talking to a corporate press relations official. Sample question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We'll have to get back to you on that.
Nanosecond:
The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk to start making a sound like a wrench in a blender.
NiCad battery:
A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three solid hours of work, then dies before you've saved it to disk.
Open systems:
Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you crash, each vendor can blame the others.
Optional:
It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department ran 1-2-3 and figured they could double profits.
Parity:
An additional memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise perfectly functioning system when it discovers an error in itself.
Partition:
A wall that you need to build around a dot matrix printer that makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.
Point-and-shoot:
You mean you'd rather click on a menu choice than have to type things like DEVICE=\DOS\UTS\DRIVER.SYS/D:0/T:80/S:15/F:1 ?
Power surge:
What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own database.
Power user:
Someone who's read the manual all the way through once.
Productivity:
Printing out 30 different versions of your document before getting the spacing just right.
Real-time clock:
A $50 option based on a five-cent chip.
SAA:
Silly And Awkward
Shell:
A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get anything done in DOS instead of typing a simple three-character command.
Shock-mounted:
Make sure you're sitting down when you ask the price.
Spreadsheet:
Sophisticated software that can be used as a database, word processor, graphing program and, in a pinch, a ledger.
Stack:
The place in the corner of the office where you pile unopened software manuals.
Support:
Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any user who happens to work for any company that bought 1000 copies.
Throughput:
What you feel like doing with your foot to your monitor after seeing the message "General Failure Error Reading Drive C:".
Toll-free hotline:
An AT&T repairman's busy-signal test number.
Toner cartridge:
A device to refill laser printers, developed by the National Association of Dry Cleaners.
Tutorial:
A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall fundamental tricks that would make you more productive.
Unix, year of:
See Calendar, perpetual.
Value-added:
A lot more expensive.
Virus:
Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.
Workstation:
Any PC that sells for more than $10000.
XT:
All the computer that most users who just type letters or run typical spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386-based machine will reformat their text one tenth of a second faster.